The Noise and the Clarity: What Took Me Half a Lifetime to Realise

A living garden note reflecting across half a lifetime—from standing on stage at 14 or 15 to turning nearly 32—making sense of the noise, the intensity, and the younger me through the lens of ADHD.

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🌱 Intention for this Note

I scrolled all the way back through my photos and found a picture of me playing a gig. Kinda explains a lot about myself back in the day. Now that I understand ADHD exists, it really helps me look back on myself and realise why I did, said, and was who I was back then.

The band was ShotGun Not!, which I started with mates when we were 14. We poured our teenage energy into loud riffs and ended up writing our first original song, "Walkout Procedure". In 2011, I took that song and turned it into my South Australian Year 12 Research Project—tracking, recording, and producing it as an academic and creative exploration.

But playing heavy music was just one part of me—I also played rugby, footy, and lived through completely different circles. It wasn't my entire identity; it was an intense, vivid sliver. This space is where I explore that 16-year arc.

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📸 The Photo in Amber

Squatters Arms / Rock On Inn — Parkway Drive singlet, SG bass, and maximum volume.

Mid-set energy: leaning into the chaos with ShotGun Not!

• What was the room like that night? The smell of the pub carpet, the vibration through the floorboards.
• Looking into the eyes of that 14–15 year old kid holding the bass.

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🔊 The First Original: "Walkout Procedure" (2011 Research Project)

Starting a band at 14 is one thing; sticking with it through high school and turning your original heavy song into your SACE Year 12 Research Project in 2011 is another. That was "Walkout Procedure"—our first original track, recorded and produced as a 17-year-old student project:

▶ Listen to ShotGun Not! — "Walkout Procedure" on YouTube — Original 2011 high school recording.

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🏉 Slivers of Self (Not a Single Box)

• The heavy music chapter: Leaning into loudness, riffs, and the energy of live rooms.
• The sports chapter: Running hard on the rugby pitch and Australian rules footy ovals.
• The ADHD pattern: Throwing 100% of myself into worlds, absorbing them fully, without any single one defining who I was as a whole.

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⚡ The Noise Before the Explanation

• The restlessness and the need for intensity / dopamine.
• Wondering why I spoke, reacted, or navigated situations the way I did.
• The social friction and the quiet question mark of feeling different without a name for it.

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🌿 Half a Lifetime: The Clarity of 31

• Discovering ADHD and the sudden reframing of 16 years of memories.
• Replacing self-doubt with context and compassion.
• What I would tell that 15-year-old kid on the stage today: it makes sense now, and you were always alright.

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🔗 Related Garden Notes

• Gigs, Moments, and Loud Rooms: An Unfiltered Live Music Archive
• Welcome to My Digital Garden