The Noise and the Clarity: What Took Me Half a Lifetime to Realise

A living garden note reflecting across half a lifetime—from standing on stage at 18 to turning nearly 32—making sense of the noise, the intensity, and the younger me through the lens of ADHD.

---

🌱 Intention for this Note

I scrolled all the way back through my photos and found a picture of me playing a gig. Kinda explains a lot about myself back in the day. Now that I understand ADHD exists, it really helps me look back on myself and realise why I did, said, and was who I was back then.

The gig was Thursday, 25 October 2012 at The Squatters Arms Hotel in Thebarton. I was 18. The band was For Glory. They had suddenly lost their bass player right before a couple of shows. I had never really played bass before, but I picked it up, learned the songs, and stepped on stage to fill in for two gigs. That impulse—jumping headfirst into the deep end on pure instinct, adrenaline, and hyperfocus—says everything about how my brain was wired long before I had a name for it.

That wasn't my only musical chapter either. At 15, I went to my first ever concert at Thebarton Theatre with my two younger brothers—standing in the crowd hearing The Sundance Kids play "Drive Away", which became an immediate core memory. At 16, I started ShotGun Not! with mates, culminating in our 2011 Year 12 Research Project single "Walkout Procedure".

But heavy music was just one part of me—I also played rugby, footy, and lived through completely different circles. It wasn't my entire identity; it was an intense, vivid sliver. This space is where I explore that 16-year arc.

---

📸 The Photo in Amber & The 2012 Flyer

Thursday 25 October 2012 — Free entry at The Squatters Arms Hotel, Thebarton. For Glory, Promise Of An Empty Sky, Seven Acts of Mercy.

The Squatters Arms Hotel — Parkway Drive singlet, SG bass, picking up an unfamiliar instrument and turning up the volume.

Mid-set energy: leaning into the chaos with For Glory.

• What was the room like that night? The smell of the pub carpet, the vibration through the floorboards.
• Looking into the eyes of that 18-year-old on stage holding an instrument he'd barely played before.

---

🔊 The First Original: "Walkout Procedure" (2011 Research Project)

Starting a band at 16 is one thing; sticking with it through high school and turning your original heavy song into your SACE Year 12 Research Project in 2011 is another. That was "Walkout Procedure"—our first original track, recorded and produced as a 17-year-old student project:

▶ Listen to ShotGun Not! — "Walkout Procedure" on YouTube — Original 2011 high school recording.

---

🏉 Slivers of Self (Not a Single Box)

• The live room spark: December 2009 at Thebby with my two younger brothers—hearing The Sundance Kids play 'Drive Away' and feeling that live rush for the first time.
• The heavy music chapter: Leaning into loudness, riffs, and the energy of live rooms.
• The sports chapter: Running hard on the rugby pitch and Australian rules footy ovals.
• The ADHD pattern: Throwing 100% of myself into worlds, absorbing them fully, without any single one defining who I was as a whole.

---

⚡ The Noise Before the Explanation

• The restlessness and the need for intensity / dopamine.
• Wondering why I spoke, reacted, or navigated situations the way I did.
• The social friction and the quiet question mark of feeling different without a name for it.

---

🌿 Half a Lifetime: The Clarity of 31

• Discovering ADHD and the sudden reframing of 16 years of memories.
• Replacing self-doubt with context and compassion.
• What I would tell that 18-year-old on the stage today: it makes sense now, and you were always alright.

---

🔗 Related Garden Notes

• Gigs, Moments, and Loud Rooms: An Unfiltered Live Music Archive
• Welcome to My Digital Garden