The Noise and the Clarity: What Took Me Half a Lifetime to Realise

A living garden note reflecting across half a lifetime—from standing on stage at 14 or 15 to turning nearly 32—making sense of the noise, the intensity, and the younger me through the lens of ADHD.

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🌱 Intention for this Note

I scrolled all the way back through my photos and found a picture of me playing a gig. Kinda explains a lot about myself back in the day. Now that I understand ADHD exists, it really helps me look back on myself and realise why I did, said, and was who I was back then.

But this band was just one part of me—I played rugby, footy, and lived through different chapters. It wasn't my entire identity; it was a sliver. This space is where I explore that 16-year arc.

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📸 The Photo in Amber

Squatters Arms / Rock On Inn — Parkway Drive singlet, SG bass, and maximum volume.

Mid-set energy: leaning into the chaos.

• What was the room like that night? The smell of the pub carpet, the vibration through the floorboards.
• Looking into the eyes of that 14–15 year old kid holding the bass.

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🏉 Slivers of Self (Not a Single Box)

• The heavy music chapter: Leaning into loudness, riffs, and the energy of live rooms.
• The sports chapter: Running hard on the rugby pitch and Australian rules footy ovals.
• The ADHD pattern: Throwing 100% of myself into worlds, absorbing them fully, without any single one defining who I was as a whole.

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⚡ The Noise Before the Explanation

• The restlessness and the need for intensity / dopamine.
• Wondering why I spoke, reacted, or navigated situations the way I did.
• The social friction and the quiet question mark of feeling different without a name for it.

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🌿 Half a Lifetime: The Clarity of 31

• Discovering ADHD and the sudden reframing of 16 years of memories.
• Replacing self-doubt with context and compassion.
• What I would tell that 15-year-old kid on the stage today: it makes sense now, and you were always alright.

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🔗 Related Garden Notes

• Gigs, Moments, and Loud Rooms: An Unfiltered Live Music Archive
• Welcome to My Digital Garden